I call you again and again
yet you don't respond
And when you do, you say
"What do you need?"
And all I want to say is,
"It's nearly Christmas,
and yet you're not at home.
Please mommy where are you?
I want you home."
Please, mommy come sit by the fire with me
You said you'd be back
but I know you really don't care
Because it's not this home you go to
after work, instead
You go out "there" says daddy.
Please mommy,
I don't know where you are.
But all I want for Christmas is for you to be here.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Nearly There
Our eyes meet and for a second I feel as though I could have said it,
But of course we look away and pretend it never happened.
And just walk on by.
For those words were nearly said.
But of course we look away and pretend it never happened.
And just walk on by.
For those words were nearly said.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Goodnight, My Someone
"Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight
True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say"
~Music Man 1957
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight
True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say"
~Music Man 1957
A Snowy Daze: Fall Onto the Snow With Me
I walk out side, everyone else rushing out beside me. I take careful calculated steps down the stairs, away from the crowed. Snow is falling in a slow, luxurious manner as if each flake has all the time in the world. There are already about four almost five feet of snow on the ground.
"Perfect," I whispered to myself. Perfect because this is what I had been waiting for all year.
I'm not walking to my bus like I usually do. I'm walking very slowly, barely walking if you want, next to the lunch room windows. I'm waiting really, waiting for something, anything, waiting for someone. Everyone has made it onto the buss by now, only the stragglers rushing to get on. White puffs of smoke forming from their mouths, the cold and hot air mixing with each other. I stop and turn around, and along with those stragglers is someone. Someone who doesn't take the bus but takes his time putting on his coat, and gloves, and hat, and scarf. Because he has no reason to rush, he only lives a block from the school and to take the bus would just be redundant.
He doesn't notice me at first. His expression relaxed, wide eyes, mouth slightly open. He is just looking around, analysing his surroundings. Then his eyes fall on me and his whole body changes. His eyes harden, his mouth becomes a straight line and his posture straightens. He looks away and attempts no further eye contact, but I won't have it. He believes that I'll just let him walk by without anything?
I move to the left, right as he is about to pass me and he stops dead in his tracks. I look up to him and muster the strongest smile I can.
"Hi," I say. He simply stares at me, as if his brain cannot comprehend what is happening. I do believe he's completely bewildered. I look around with that same stupid smile on my face, and back up to him. "There's snow on the ground....." I try to not make it to obvious what I want from him but he isn't stupid and he knows me. Knows me better than anyone else in the world, and I know him just as well. He nods his head,with the same stubborn look, regaining himself.
I sigh and loose my smile, looking away from him.
"Please..." I start, "At least say something, I hate the quiet." I look back up to him. Not trying to look pathetic but I know I do. I know because I can feel my throat tightening, and my eyes begin to sting. I can tell that it hurts him too, because the line of his mouth turns into a scowl. I've never seen him look so displeased. I feel an ache in my chest and shut my eyes, pushing back the tears, pushing back everything, the emotion, the anguish, the desire, the loneliness, the need, the pain...... the love. When I open them, the scowl on his face is still there, but his eyes are concerned and so much more. I see so much emotion floating in them, everything that I just pushed back is plain in his eyes. As if he's telling me it's okay to feel all of it. That he feels it to, and I would have it no other way.
Keeping my eyes on his I carefully reach out for his hand. I don't want to startle him, but it's more than that. I don't want him to flinch away from it, from me. But the funny thing is is that my hand meets his half way. I try to hold a smile back not to let him know this action makes me happy. In stead I turn and start pulling him forward, his gate though quickly allows him to catch up to me in a mere instant.
He doesn't say anything as I yank him down the stairs, or down the side walk, but I know he's looking at me. I can feel his gaze on me, just as I always have been able to.
I can feel my heart beat begin to race as the quiet continues and I hate it! I hate the quiet it makes me feel alone, even though he's right there even though I have so many friends. I feel alone in this world and I feel the only thing that could every fix that loneliness the only thing that ever could is him. His voice, his fingers on the piano, holding me, laughing with me. The way he looked at me as if I was the only one in the room. His world, and of course he was mine.
I'd be lying if I said it was only him. There have been other times where I haven't felt lonely and lost. That night I was crying and I crawled up into my sisters bed. Or even that one instance me and my mother bonded over art, something she would never admit she loved doing. Or the times when me and my dad would go to the lake and stay there for hours on end and then go to the A&W. Funny... our initials....
You know there was another omen long ago when I was little. I'd play that silly little game where you'd twist the apple stem until it broke and that would be the first letter of your true loves name. For every twist you'd say a letter of the alphabet and mine would always break either the first time, on 'A', or I'd go through the whole alphabet and break it once I started it again, right on 'A'.
It's a funny thing, Fate. It doesn't care who are. It doesn't discriminate or care if you're poor or wealthy, sick or well, sad or happy. It just happens, much like Love. These things happen in our lives and we go on, not thinking twice about it or turning our heads and wondering if there could have been some way we could have avoided it. The truth is we can't. That is the design of fate, there is no plausible way to evade it.
When I drift out of thought the both of us -hands still intertwined- are on the other side of the parking lot, right near the huge white expanse of snow. I look up at him to see if he is fallowing my mentality and all I get back is a dreamy stare. It seems he has been lost to thought too, I squeeze his hand bringing him back to reality and he looks out to the snow.
I slow as we reach the boarder of the mountain of snow, and the parking lot. Yet his passe does not slow, I quickly realize we are going to clime up it, and begin to do so. The snow has hardened such that it supports both are body weights and we make it to the top. I take off my backpack and watch it roll down the other side. I sit down there at the very top and he joins me letting his own backpack roll down next to mine.
"So...." he begins. I lean my head against his shoulder and stay quite for a moment. I hear his neck brush against his jacket so he can look at the top of my head, I smile to myself though he cannot see it.
"I'm sorry," I say it almost to myself but I know he can hear me with his acute ears. "But you should have understood. I understood when you slipped up so why couldn't you forgive me?"
"Do you mean the whole thing or just the last part?"
"Just the last part, I could never ask you to forgive me on so many accounts," I frown. "I've been so awful to you." My bare hand grips his gloved hand tighter.
"I... don't know I guess. It was just everything really." I've put you threw so much.... such horrid things I've made you suffer threw.
My hand retracts from his but moves up. The other fallowing to be put around his neck, he shivers as my ice cold hands touch his bare skin. I look up into forest green eyes and they meet with cloud gray ones. I move into a kneeling position, so I may be at the same eye level as him. We stay like this for more than a couple minutes -yet I never sensed, as I searched his eyes for a real answer, anything that would indicate that he was uncomfortable-. I sigh, lean my forehead against his and close my eyes.
"I love you," I whisper, as if it is a secret meant only to be spoken to him.
"I know," he replies. I open my eyes to look at him again with a pleading gaze.
"Do you still believe Love to be only a concept?" he blinks twice as he looks for an answer, and then responds.
"Yes," I hold my breath as he breaths out this word.
"You really are quite stubborn," I say with a half smile. I let go of him and roll down the hill until I reach the bottom, looking up at the sky. I don't hear him approach and so look to see where he is but do not find him at the top. I sit up looking around. His backpack still on the ground next to mine. Then I hear a soft crunch and relax, lay down and close my eyes. I hear it again and again, until I feel him laying beside me.
"Must you always do things your own way?" I ask him without opening my eyes.
"Yes, because your way is too childish," he replies.
"But we're only kids anyway, why not enjoy it while it lasts?" He is quiet after that, but he does scoot closer to me. After about three minutes, he speaks without having me precede him.
"We're finally laying in the snow together, are you happy?" I look over to him with my eyes open and look over his facial expression. It's his teacher student discussion face, I frown. "What?" It takes less than a second to accomplish and yet I know that there will be sever precautions that will come from this one act but I do it anyway.
I roll on my side towards him, are bodies adjoined now, and place my lips softly over his. I keep my eyes open just as a precaution towards any reaction he might have. He just stairs at me and when i stop, I get up and leave.
I can feel my heart beat begin to race as the quiet continues and I hate it! I hate the quiet it makes me feel alone, even though he's right there even though I have so many friends. I feel alone in this world and I feel the only thing that could every fix that loneliness the only thing that ever could is him. His voice, his fingers on the piano, holding me, laughing with me. The way he looked at me as if I was the only one in the room. His world, and of course he was mine.
I'd be lying if I said it was only him. There have been other times where I haven't felt lonely and lost. That night I was crying and I crawled up into my sisters bed. Or even that one instance me and my mother bonded over art, something she would never admit she loved doing. Or the times when me and my dad would go to the lake and stay there for hours on end and then go to the A&W. Funny... our initials....
You know there was another omen long ago when I was little. I'd play that silly little game where you'd twist the apple stem until it broke and that would be the first letter of your true loves name. For every twist you'd say a letter of the alphabet and mine would always break either the first time, on 'A', or I'd go through the whole alphabet and break it once I started it again, right on 'A'.
It's a funny thing, Fate. It doesn't care who are. It doesn't discriminate or care if you're poor or wealthy, sick or well, sad or happy. It just happens, much like Love. These things happen in our lives and we go on, not thinking twice about it or turning our heads and wondering if there could have been some way we could have avoided it. The truth is we can't. That is the design of fate, there is no plausible way to evade it.
When I drift out of thought the both of us -hands still intertwined- are on the other side of the parking lot, right near the huge white expanse of snow. I look up at him to see if he is fallowing my mentality and all I get back is a dreamy stare. It seems he has been lost to thought too, I squeeze his hand bringing him back to reality and he looks out to the snow.
I slow as we reach the boarder of the mountain of snow, and the parking lot. Yet his passe does not slow, I quickly realize we are going to clime up it, and begin to do so. The snow has hardened such that it supports both are body weights and we make it to the top. I take off my backpack and watch it roll down the other side. I sit down there at the very top and he joins me letting his own backpack roll down next to mine.
"So...." he begins. I lean my head against his shoulder and stay quite for a moment. I hear his neck brush against his jacket so he can look at the top of my head, I smile to myself though he cannot see it.
"I'm sorry," I say it almost to myself but I know he can hear me with his acute ears. "But you should have understood. I understood when you slipped up so why couldn't you forgive me?"
"Do you mean the whole thing or just the last part?"
"Just the last part, I could never ask you to forgive me on so many accounts," I frown. "I've been so awful to you." My bare hand grips his gloved hand tighter.
"I... don't know I guess. It was just everything really." I've put you threw so much.... such horrid things I've made you suffer threw.
My hand retracts from his but moves up. The other fallowing to be put around his neck, he shivers as my ice cold hands touch his bare skin. I look up into forest green eyes and they meet with cloud gray ones. I move into a kneeling position, so I may be at the same eye level as him. We stay like this for more than a couple minutes -yet I never sensed, as I searched his eyes for a real answer, anything that would indicate that he was uncomfortable-. I sigh, lean my forehead against his and close my eyes.
"I love you," I whisper, as if it is a secret meant only to be spoken to him.
"I know," he replies. I open my eyes to look at him again with a pleading gaze.
"Do you still believe Love to be only a concept?" he blinks twice as he looks for an answer, and then responds.
"Yes," I hold my breath as he breaths out this word.
"You really are quite stubborn," I say with a half smile. I let go of him and roll down the hill until I reach the bottom, looking up at the sky. I don't hear him approach and so look to see where he is but do not find him at the top. I sit up looking around. His backpack still on the ground next to mine. Then I hear a soft crunch and relax, lay down and close my eyes. I hear it again and again, until I feel him laying beside me.
"Must you always do things your own way?" I ask him without opening my eyes.
"Yes, because your way is too childish," he replies.
"But we're only kids anyway, why not enjoy it while it lasts?" He is quiet after that, but he does scoot closer to me. After about three minutes, he speaks without having me precede him.
"We're finally laying in the snow together, are you happy?" I look over to him with my eyes open and look over his facial expression. It's his teacher student discussion face, I frown. "What?" It takes less than a second to accomplish and yet I know that there will be sever precautions that will come from this one act but I do it anyway.
I roll on my side towards him, are bodies adjoined now, and place my lips softly over his. I keep my eyes open just as a precaution towards any reaction he might have. He just stairs at me and when i stop, I get up and leave.
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