Where are you?

I call you again and again
yet you don't respond
And when you do, you say
"What do you need?"
And all I want to say is,
"It's nearly Christmas,
and yet you're not at home.
Please mommy where are you?
I want you home."
Please, mommy come sit by the fire with me
You said you'd be back
but I know you really don't care
Because it's not this home you go to
after work, instead
You go out "there" says daddy.
Please mommy,
I don't know where you are.
But all I want for Christmas is for you to be here.

Nearly There

Our eyes meet and for a second I feel as though I could have said it,
But of course we look away and pretend it never happened.
And just walk on by.
For those words were nearly said.

Goodnight, My Someone

"Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight
True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say"


~Music Man 1957

A Snowy Daze: Fall Onto the Snow With Me

    I walk out side, everyone else rushing out beside me. I take careful calculated steps down the stairs, away from the crowed. Snow is falling in a slow, luxurious manner as if each flake has all the time in the world. There  are already about four almost five feet of snow on the ground.

"Perfect," I whispered to myself. Perfect because this is what I had been waiting for all year.

     I'm not walking to my bus like I usually do. I'm walking very slowly, barely walking if you want, next to the lunch room windows. I'm waiting really, waiting for something, anything, waiting for someone. Everyone has made it onto the buss by now, only the stragglers rushing to get on. White puffs of smoke forming from their mouths, the cold and hot air mixing with each other. I stop and turn around, and along with those stragglers is someone. Someone who doesn't take the bus but takes his time putting on his coat, and gloves, and hat, and scarf.  Because he has no reason to rush, he only lives a block from the school and to take the bus would just be redundant. 

     He doesn't notice me at first. His expression relaxed, wide eyes, mouth slightly open. He is just looking around, analysing his surroundings. Then his eyes fall on me and his whole body changes. His eyes harden, his mouth becomes a straight line and his posture straightens. He looks away and attempts no further eye contact, but I won't have it. He believes that I'll just let him walk by without anything?

     I move to the left, right as he is about to pass me and he stops dead in his tracks. I look up to him and muster the strongest smile I can.

"Hi," I say. He simply stares at me, as if his brain cannot comprehend what is happening. I do believe he's completely bewildered. I look around with that same stupid smile on my face, and back up to him. "There's snow on the ground....." I try to not make it to obvious what I want from him but he isn't stupid and he knows me. Knows me better than anyone else in the world, and I know him just as well. He nods his head,with the same stubborn look, regaining himself.

I sigh and loose my smile, looking away from him.

"Please..." I start, "At least say something, I hate the quiet." I look back up to him. Not trying to look pathetic but I know I do. I know because I can feel my throat tightening, and my eyes begin to sting. I can tell that it hurts him too, because the line of his mouth turns into a scowl. I've never seen him look so displeased. I feel an ache in my chest and shut my eyes, pushing back the tears, pushing back everything, the emotion, the anguish, the desire, the loneliness, the need, the pain...... the love. When I open them, the scowl on his face is still there, but his eyes are concerned and so much more. I see so much emotion floating in them, everything that I just pushed back is plain in his eyes. As if he's telling me it's okay to feel all of it. That he feels it to, and I would have it no other way.

Keeping my eyes on his I carefully reach out for his hand. I don't want to startle him, but it's more than that. I don't want him to flinch away from it, from me. But the funny thing is is that my hand meets his half way. I try to hold a smile back not to let him know this action makes me happy. In stead I turn and start pulling him forward, his gate though quickly allows him to catch up to me in a mere instant.

He doesn't say anything as I yank him down the stairs, or down the side walk, but I know he's looking at me. I can feel his gaze on me, just as I always have been able to.

I can feel my heart beat begin to race as the quiet continues and I hate it! I hate the quiet it makes me feel alone, even though he's right there even though I have so many friends. I feel alone in this world and I feel the only thing that could every fix that loneliness the only thing that ever could is him. His voice, his fingers on the piano, holding me, laughing with me. The way he looked at me as if I was the only one in the room. His world, and of course he was mine.

I'd be lying if I said it was only him. There have been other times where I haven't felt lonely and lost. That night I was crying and I crawled up into my sisters bed. Or even that one instance me and my mother bonded over art,  something she would never admit she loved doing. Or the times when me and my dad would go to the lake and stay there for hours on end and then go to the A&W. Funny... our initials....

You know there was another omen long ago when I was little. I'd play that silly little game where you'd twist the apple stem until it broke and that would be the first letter of your true loves name. For every twist you'd say a letter of the alphabet and mine would always break either the first time, on 'A', or I'd go through the whole alphabet and break it once I started it again, right on 'A'.

It's a funny thing, Fate. It doesn't care who are. It doesn't discriminate or care if you're poor or wealthy, sick or well, sad or happy. It just happens, much like Love. These things happen in our lives and we go on, not thinking twice about it or turning our heads and wondering if there could have been some way we could have avoided it. The truth is we can't. That is the design of fate, there is no plausible way to evade it.

When I drift out of thought the both of us -hands still intertwined- are on the other side of the parking lot, right near the huge white expanse of snow. I look up at him to see if he is fallowing my mentality and all I get back is a dreamy stare. It seems he has been lost to thought too, I squeeze his hand bringing him back to reality and he looks out to the snow.

I slow as we reach the boarder of the mountain of snow, and the parking lot. Yet his passe does not slow, I quickly realize we are going to clime up it, and begin to do so. The snow has hardened such that it supports both are body weights and we make it to the top. I take off my backpack and watch it roll down the other side. I sit down there at the very top and he joins me letting his own backpack roll down next to mine.

"So...." he begins. I lean my head against his shoulder and stay quite for a moment. I hear his neck brush against his jacket so he can look at the top of my head, I smile to myself though he cannot see it.

"I'm sorry," I say it almost to myself but I know he can hear me with his acute ears. "But you should have understood. I understood when you slipped up so why couldn't you forgive me?"

"Do you mean the whole thing or just the last part?"

"Just the last part, I could never ask you to forgive me on so many accounts," I frown. "I've been so awful to you." My bare hand grips his gloved hand tighter.

"I... don't know I guess. It was just everything really." I've put you threw so much.... such horrid things I've made you suffer threw.

My hand retracts  from his but moves up. The other fallowing to be put around his neck, he shivers as my ice cold hands touch his bare skin. I look up into forest green eyes and they meet with cloud gray ones. I move into a kneeling position, so I may be at the same eye level as him. We stay like this for more than a couple minutes -yet I never sensed, as I searched his eyes for a real answer, anything that would indicate that he was uncomfortable-. I sigh, lean my forehead against his and close my eyes.

"I love you," I whisper, as if it is a secret meant only to be spoken to him.

"I know," he replies. I open my eyes to look at him again with a pleading gaze.

"Do you still believe Love to be only a concept?" he blinks twice as he looks for an answer, and then responds.

"Yes," I hold my breath as he breaths out this word.

"You really are quite stubborn," I say with a half smile. I let go of him and roll down the hill until I reach the bottom, looking up at the sky. I don't hear him approach and so look to see where he is but do not find him at the top. I sit up looking around. His backpack still on the ground next to mine. Then I hear a soft crunch and relax, lay down and close my eyes. I hear it again and again, until I feel him laying beside me.

"Must you always do things your own way?" I ask him without opening my eyes.

"Yes, because your way is too childish," he replies.

"But we're only kids anyway, why not enjoy it while it lasts?" He is quiet after that, but he does scoot closer to me. After about three minutes, he speaks without having me precede him.

"We're finally laying in the snow together, are you happy?" I look over to him with my eyes open and look over his facial expression. It's his teacher student discussion face, I frown. "What?" It takes less than a second to accomplish and yet I know that there will be sever precautions that will come from this one act but I do it anyway.

I roll on my side towards him, are bodies adjoined now, and place my lips softly over his. I keep my eyes open just as a precaution towards any reaction he might have. He just stairs at me and when i stop, I get up and leave.

A Last Word of Truth

You didn't break me, you destroyed me.

Regretted Sorrow

If I could take it all back I would. I would tell myself it isn't worth it because in hurting you I was only killing myself. And now here I am on the ground everything fading from my sight. I regret every false word. You may be suffering but I have lost sight of everything I love. This world so cruel yet I only have myself to blame. I'm so sorry My Master...

One of My Favorites

“To hell with reality! I want to die in music, not in reason or in pose. People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them. To hell with them!”

Louis Ferdinand Celine (French writer and physician, 1894-1961

Growing Up

I do believe that, children grow up when they realize how cruel the world truly is.

Need

I'm sure you have felt to some degree this pain of need.
It's not simply that
I want be by your side
It is that I cannot properly function
Without you there.
My heart is torn, shattered like glass.
I almost want to hate you
For doing this to me.
You've made me so weak.
I go to bed crying every night.
It's no longer the night-terrors that cause my distress,
But the thought of being without you.

I need you
I have fallen apart in your absence, Master
I wear this collar
Even though you hate to see me do so
Because it is all I have
To remember those needed hugs, those kisses, those cute little comments but no longer do I.

I'm falling apart ... please, please...

I need you...

I shall do anything, my Master, but please stop glancing at me from across the way.

As if I was never anything to you or you to me.

I love you and I believe that if this shall continue I shall disappear.

I beg you my Master please return.

A Lasting Hope

It seems sitting here won't do me any good.
I've taken care of everything here
So that if you are to return
You won't have to deal with it Master
I look down to my dog and smile
"At least you have returned to me"
He wags his tail glad to be with me as well.
I look out about the roses and I wonder where you have gone Master
I know it silly to hope for your return
Yet this day when I came here
There was something peculiar prowling outside
I do believe it was a lion something I have never seen here
It was so odd because a certain thought popped into my head then. I do recall you spoke of such beasts, and how loyal and prideful they are.
So perhaps you left me here for your own pride, yet where is your loyalty?
If that is to be true
I love you Master I always will
And even though it is childish I won't give up my hope in you.

Listen

I wander in just like any other night
This place, it isn't as it should be.
The flowers are over grown
Even some have withered and died
Where is the keeper of this once beautiful place?

I step further in, my loyal dog by my side
We come to the center of the greenery
Where there is a small stone island surrounded by a pond
A table appointed for two is here

I have had many cups of tea here
But only with you, my Master
I examine the table
Usually full of crumpets and goodies
To find only a piece of paper
With but one word written on it
In such beautiful and elegant hand writing

I crumple to the floor
My dress bunching up around me
Necro whimpers by my side

Goodbye.... I hear the wind whisper in the same voice as my Master

Do you hear my tears Master?

Giving In but Waking Up

I hear a voice in the back of my head, it's angry

A barking dog yelling-

"Please don't do this get up.. Get up!"

I don't listen not at all

What point is there to get up when

Someone will always be there

To just push you back down?

There is no point. So don't get up.

But again I hear it-

"Please get up....."

Who is it telling me not to give up?

I know it's not you, you're not here.

So if it not be My Master

Why is it I can hear this voice?

I sink lower deeper into my subconscious and

It seems the voice becomes stronger there

My eyes flutter open and it seems to be dusk here

It seems familiar in some way....

I look up to see a boy a little older than me standing there

He reminds me of a dog

He has white hair and his eyes are pitch black

His clothes are also black

Something's off though, he's glaring at me and he's wet...

Suddenly I find it necessary to look around

Behind me I see an old town

A town so familiar

I've been here before

I know it

I look back behind the boy and I see a greenhouse

Glass walls covered in greenery

You could never see inside

Then I realize this is my mind my world

"Our World" the boy corrects

"Yes I can hear your thoughts" he continues

I look down

I'm also wet

"I dragged you out. Thought you'd be better there"

He points to the greenhouse,

Somehow I sense that you're there

A safe haven in this world of mine
So dark and cold

Then I say it quietly
And I had no idea why but it just
"Necro..."

The boy perks up his head cocked to the side
"yes?" This boy he's apart of me
Yet not in the same way as you Master
He's a side of me that I've never found before
Until just now he's my strength, my stubbornness
Everything that I've been missing

I look up to him
"Where have you been?"
He grins at me and awkwardly rubs his head.
"Sleeping"

Dream Of Me

Her legs seductively wrapped around his waist, as he pushed them up. A silent plea not to stop. He gave her a caring smile as he laid back down, but in a different position. Her legs unwound as he laid his head down on her abdomen, a relaxed sigh coming from her lips. Her eyes fluttered closed as the afternoon sun shined in threw the window.

The small common noises of the world reached their ears, though slightly muffled. The wind blew against the glass causing the windows to shutter. His arms tightened around her waist, as she lovingly brushed the back of her fingers along his neck.

The day had been not stressful but very little opportunities arose when they could simply be in their own state of bliss. Moments like these were their utopia, no one could disturb them here. It was safe and a perfect world a place they did not want to leave. She felt him shift slightly her eyes opening when she felt his breath moving along her body. His lips softly met her's and she smiled at how pointless it was to open her eyes simply to close them again. As he pulled away she remarked.

"Can I stay?" He cocked his head to the side thinking of a response.

"Only if you can stay asleep," he spoke teasingly into her ear as he rested his head on her shoulder.

"But you're not a dream, this isn't a dream, it's reality." He nuzzled her neck and she looked down to the top of his head hoping for a response.

"Then I guess you can, now can't you?" She rolled her eyes and giggled a bit.

"You are mad, aren't you?"

"Only when you're not here." Her eyes softened and she looked out the window.

"Thank you for all of this."

"Anytime, just dream of me."

Family

Family...

What does that word mean to me?...

Love?...Happiness? ...

What is a family like?...

Family is something you treasure...

Like a grandmother... Or a sister...
So what's a real family like?...

How would I know? ...I never had one.

Wake

This nightmare disappears

As I feel the sun hit my face

My eyes flutter open to find your smiling face

I smile back and stare

We lay outside in a meadow to lazy to care

And I pull you down to me

As your fingers brush my face.

You have such an elegant grace

As we watch the rest of the world move by

And we just stare

So I sigh happy that you're here

With me by your side

Frozen Hell

Alone in the cold
None to hold.
Why won't this nightmare ever end?
Freezing my tears turn to glass
You say this world is perfect
I laugh at that
The laugh is bitter, and hollow.
This frozen hell
Is no better then anyother.

monsters

they laugh unknowing

it shattered long ago

that thing that we care for the most

mine is broken

i know of only one who can fix it

she left long ago and she was my only comfort.

the only one who shared my pain.

alone crying in a corner

blood is all i see

but it's my own and that's what scares me the most

drowning alone... alone...

does no one care for the pretty little thing they bought long ago?

no they don't

they don't care that i'm broken.

that i'm alone left on a shelf to collect dust

but by gaining me they broke me.

but no one cares not for me.

for the broken little doll they bought long ago.

it seems they got to old for me.

funny they would hurt someone they so called loved.

monsters.

One Please

One last kiss for you
One more wish to you
Please make up your mind...
I'd do anything for you
One last kiss for you
One more wish to you
Please make up your mind...
Before I die

Liar

Trapped behind my state of mind, I took your words and now I'm blind.
And everything you've given just kills me.
Your words swarm me through my soul like locusts.
Eating away at any glimpse of focus.
Their eyes flaming red like pain.
Filling the void once righteous and bloodstained.
But words can't kill the light inside me that tears me from the hate that binds me.

Help me from this Hell

Please heal me, I can't sleep
Thought I was unbreakable, but this is killing me
Call me, everything, make me feel unbreakable,
Lie and set me free

I feel the fear takes hold
Afraid this hell I create is my own
Calm my franticness, I can't take it anymore,
This used to be my own world,
But now I've lost control

Strength With Warmth

I thought I was going to die.

Then I felt something warm,

A comforting warmth,

It lifted me up and put me back on my feet,

I'm still scared of the fox when I see it by the woods,

but I feel the warmth surround me once again,

and the ever lasting words it spoke to me,

"You are strong"

We

We try,

We gain,

We love,

We lose,

We die,

Everything is apart of life,

No matter how small,

No matter how big,

Don't take for granted what you are given,

Never forget someone,

Never regret anything,

Because in the end it doesn't matter,

Because it was still a fun ride

wasn't it?

Substitute for My Love

I have decided that, if I am too scared
Then the only other thing I have to remind myself
Is this piece of wood here.

I suppose sitting here just makes it that,
But just like you, I am also scared to face this.
I know it cannot hurt me, will not hurt me,
Just like you, it will nurture me.
If only, if only I lift the fall board.....

I stare a bit more, deciding.
It's all I have.....
To remind me of you......
But also...... my sister.

I gingerly sweep my hands over the ivory keys
And my decision is made

I will play, to remind me of you My Love, My Master and My Big Sister.

I feel a tear slip....

The room is filled with life and it warms me,
This is no longer a piece of wood.
It is my heart..... Our heart.

Slower

I want to cuddle beside you,
I want to enjoy every moment,
I know there is a need,
Please be patient,

You understand me,
And I understand you.

I will do as you wish
Because I love to please,
And see that smile on your face.

But I hope you know,
That I'm still just a kid
I just want someone to hold me,

I'm still very fragile and these
Ruff motions make me wonder

Do you love me?
I know it's a silly question
But still I hope
Your not lying

Just take a look at what has happened
You ripped it apart and I trust
It won't happen again.

So promise me.....

"I love you,"

But how much?

Dying Inside

It's happening again
A withdrawl but it's worse........ stronger
Every move is becoming a blur
All I wish to do is sleep
I don't wish to see any sun or anyone

My thoughts are empty
Nothing but nonsense

Go away everyone and everything
No i don't need anything not water nor food
Nor anything you have to offer

Please return,
Please save me,
My Master

Remember? Our Promise

You wake up one day
With the same dream again
Of a place far away,
Of a memory when,

We sat under our tree,
With dawn dragonflies
Guarding you and me,
And our sugared lies.

Then the dream starts to fade,
And you’re alone like before,
With the promise we made,
That the dragonflies bore.

You write and you call,
Numbers that don’t exist,
Will you forfeit it all,
A made-up friend that you miss.

I am,
Where you left me last,
The same place present, future, past.
And under our tree,
You promised me, if anywhere,
You’d be there.
And under our tree,
You promised me, solemnly swore
Forevermore.

Just sitting there,
Your hand in mine,
I realized where,
We’d drawn the line 

We started to know,
That in future days
We would grow
Our different ways.

The dragonflies knew
Of children’s deep thought,
Around us they flew
Of them we forgot

But we promised anyway,
It felt humane to lie,
Seems just like yesterday
When all the dragonflies died.

I was,
All of your tears and your laughs,
But now just some old photograph.
And under our tree,
You promised me, if anywhere,
You’d be there.
And under our tree,
You promised me, solemnly swore
Forevermore.

Remember how
You said you’d cry;
Does it matter now,
That your face is dry?

I warned you before
That we’d have to choose
I never felt so poor
With so much to loose.

No! we made a promise,
Under our childhood tree,
And I wouldn’t wrong us
To become fate’s refugee.

If that promise dies,
And twas just a dream,
Then goodbye, our dragonflies,
And all that they mean.

I will be,
Coming, looking for you.
That is the promise you made me, too.
And under our tree,
You promised me, if anywhere,
You’d be there.
And under our tree,
You promised me, solemnly swore
Forevermore.

Awaited

I sit here, drawing
nothing in particular just a doodle
I've been here -what an hour?

I'm just about ready to leave as
I finish my final line
then in my outer view
I see You

I turn the page in my book as if nothing is askew
but inside
I'm shaking and praying that
I didn't just see a ghost

I close my eyes a moment to find what
I want to draw
I close my eyes and all
I see is, of course, You

I hear You sigh across the table
my heart jumps up into the sky
tentatively, nervously
I look up and inside
I'm thanking everyone and everything
because it wasn't a ghost

it was You, my Master

a shaky hand reaches for my neck and of course as
I hold it a light jingle can be heard
You smile a gentle smile of understanding

You stand and of course
I follow and of course my collar lightly jingles as I follow You. <3

Waiting

I play with it for hours
this collar of mine
I feel like a stray
looking for her master
I meow and whine in your absence

tell me that you'll be there next time
I come that we may meet and enjoy one another.

to feel the other and know that the other is real, so that
I may prove to you that
I love you as much as
I say

call me and
I shall come to your voice
that lovely singing
I wish to hear it once more

I'll wait here for you
I'll come every day and stay for hours
just playing with it
the collar you gave me
so please come
I love you
My master

Departure for Despair

In this last hour I think and think
Calculating in my head for just the right answer.

I know this might be the last time I may see him
My master...
I run out as it ends those few seconds I'm lost in the crowed.
I don't see him please please where are you?
A hand finds mine and I look back it's her and I smile
I pretend like nothing's wrong but my panic and worry grows

Her and I take our seprate ways the sun burns my skin as her hand leaves mine
I head to where he might be but when I get on he's not there nowhere to be seen

I sigh and sit in an empty seat
Another friend comes and sits uinfront of me
again I fein a smile.

He never shows my sorrow is consuming
I leave after a moment and walk a while
wondering if perhaps I'll see him but I know I won't

The sun burns I flee to shade and make my way quick to hide

I lay there morning
My apathy towards all increasing as the need does.

Please Tell Me You'll Be There When I Wake Up
Please Lie To Me

Love an Illusion or Reality

As of recently I've been craving for you to say "I love you".
I wonder now why it's so important for me to hear it.
You asked me if I had ever heard a particular song, as usual I lied and said I had.
I knew you saw through me in that second but blew it off as me just being me,
But now I sit here listening to that song.
I see why you asked;
It's because you don't understand it either. That feeling, that need.
You told me once that I'm the worst thing for you
But you can't stop thinking about me, needing me, wanting me.
I couldn't agree with you more.
That feeling, I believe is that so called love.
But if you really think about it, is it not an instinct to need someone to care?
So then is it just a comforting word meaning you're not alone.

I don't really care at the moment,
because even if love is just an allusion to not feel so alone in this world, so be it.
I'm wrapped in your arms right now listening to you whisper how much you love me and I too whisper back.

"I will always love you."

So whether it be reality or an illusion, I don't care.
All I know is that I love you and I feel safe and protected in this moment.

Never Say Stop

"I will stop if you ask."  She held his gaze for a few long seconds, contemplating his words, before turning her eyes back to the fireworks and nodding in embarrassed understanding. Embarrassed because she knew that no matter how much he made her shake inside, no matter how flushed her face, or how tongue-tied and anxious she became, she would never ask him to stop.

Stop

You're only hurting yourself you realize don't you?
You stare me down as if trying to intimidate me.
No, not intimidate, convince. You want me back and I so desperately try to fight it.
I can't do this; you're the one who said enough.
You're the one who said stop.
So why can't you? why can't you just stop?
Stop trying talk to me. Stop trying to smile at me.
Stop, please, just stop. Can't you see the damage you've done?
Do you really want to cause more.
Suddenly he's moving and I haven't realized it but the bell has wrong.
I don't move, I watch him come and lean over and wipe the tear that has
so embarrassingly fallen down my cheek.
He says it then without words just a simple, lowering of his eyes;
I see it, I hear it in those few seconds.
"I love you"
My breath hitches
The teacher asks "What's going on?"
And in the next second he has gone.

Quit

You leave me there. There really isn't anything to say.
I can't say; "Well that's alright"
I can't say; "It will be okay"
I can't say anything, because there isn't anything to say.
It isn't it won't be, I nod understanding and leave.
I turn my back on the person who wanted to help. No you turned yours on me.
I was a lost cause something you could never fix or didn't want to.
I wanted so much for us but now you are quiting.
Though I know, because I know you, it doesn't mean anything.
You will fight against your better judgement.
Because you're addicted, and have felt withdrawl and want more you want to overdose.
You want me. You want me so much you would do anything,
and as I sit here knowing you're watching. Feeling your eyes on me.
I watch the clock praying the bell will ring. Hoping that I can escape but it doesn't,
and I did the stupidist thing I could've. I looked back into those deep green eyes, and I lost.

Anniverser

They say that your Birthday is a special day.

A day full of joy and happy tears.

Then why is it cloudy today?

Why is it everyone is yelling and shouting and saying today was horrible?

Why is it I'm on the floor holding myself saying it will all work out?

Pain is what I remember today,

Fear is what I think of today,

Anger, Hatred, Loss, and so many others haunting me

Just leave me alone.

I want today to be the day I smile and laugh

For everyone to be happy with what they have

For love and kindness and patients to be part of the memory of today

I hear yelling I cut trying to forget I throw up trying to forget.

Just make it stop.

Today was suppose to be my birthday.